I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
