The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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