well you can't waste a boner
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
