TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
