I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
