I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
