I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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