Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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