Don't you send me to vm
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
