ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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