We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
