Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
