my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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