There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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