i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
