i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
