Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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