bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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