if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
