Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
