my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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