every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
