I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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