By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
