No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
