Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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