i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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