You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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