dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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