I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
