Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
zippers are such a cool invention
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
