One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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