take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
