So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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