goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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