I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
