I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
