genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
