Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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