i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
