i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
