Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
