At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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