Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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