Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
