everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
