Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
