I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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