ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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