Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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